Stuck on Spring

Spring is here.  People all over the internet are posting pictures of flowers, budding trees, baby birds, fruit-laden salads and pinkish-orange sunrises while pretending that they really love spring.

But they do not really love spring. Because what they are not posting is pictures of itchy drippy noses and puffy allergy eyes thanks to hay fever.  They are not posting pictures of damp socks and ruined kicks because they accidentally stepped in a puddle. They aren’t posting pictures of the first mosquito bites of the season. They skip every chance they get to post pictures of chafed legs from sticky balls and/or chub rub. They are definitely not discussing the horror of springtime jock itch.  Oh sweet merciful crotch gods, why does everything about spring itch in some way?

We, here at HappySacs, hate being itchy and have decided to see if we can’t offer a few solutions to make this spring just a bit less itchy.

Mosquito Bites:

Google is rife with suggestions of how to get rid of mosquitoes.  Tons of recipes exist for homemade repellent but let’s be real honest for just a second- those are never gonna happen. Entirely too much work.  Calamine lotion isn’t as much work as any of those recipes.  Plus we’re not 100% sure what half that stuff is and we ARE 100% sure we don’t have lemon eucalyptus oil.  

There was once great hope that just hanging out with more women might save you as it was commonly held that mosquitoes were attracted to estrogen.  Unfortunately, this has been debunked by science.  Instead some studies show that mosquitoes are attracted to bodily warmth and increased exhalation of carbon dioxide.  So, according to science, if you want less mosquito bites, be cold and breathe less.

Chub Rub:

Some of you may be unfamiliar with this, you lucky schmucks.  Chub rub is the chafed, angry red rash across the inner thighs, arm pits, at the crease where your legs meet your torso and, most miserably right between the cheeks caused by bits of our man flesh getting entirely too touchy with other bits of our man flesh. For some of us, this is an issue year round but something about the damp moistness of spring makes chub rub a thousand times worse.  

Solutions range from antiperspirant to buying stock in baby powder.  Ladies apparently have this mess figured out and have things called bandelettes.  We asked if anyone would be willing to wear those frilly things for a day.  Never has the office been quite so silent.  The best solution we identified however was to not let the chubby bits touch. Simply squat gently and let your knees bend & drift apart.  Keep your upper arms level with your shoulders.  If you have a bit of belly, you may need to pull upward on the skin of your abdomen to keep your belly from touching anything else. Sure, you end up walking around like a duck holding your own gut up, but you are chub rub free by the end of the trip.

(By the way, we would do unspeakable things to see you do your anti-chub rub walk.  If you post tag us and use #NoMoChubRub, please.  This is us literally begging.  We needs this in our lives.)

Hay Fever:

There is no helping this.  We have resigned ourselves to the sniffing, snorting, choking, spitting and other very manly sounds hay fever brings and break out the office spitoon from March to June.  You should too.

Sticky Balls & Jock Itch:

We might not be able to fix all the things that itch about spring.  But this one we can fix.  We can fix this because this is the very reason we even exist.  Springtime has a special knack for finding ways to turn already annoying ball sweat into a super glue more impressive than the gorilla stuff. The end of a spring day almost inevitably finds your balls permastuck to your thigh. Ball sweat leads to jock itch.  Jock itch leads to suffering which leads to hate and the dark side.